Mr. & Mrs. Thomas Hardy

Ho Boy! Thomas Hardy is going to have some fun tonight!

Emma Hardy disagrees.

Edwin M. McMillan

Edwin M. McMillan is really steamed that Todd Henderson asked Betsy-Sue to the prom before he had a chance to.

Gerjad Stolenberg

Gerjad Stolenberg smells the blood of an English man.

Yusuf Omar

Yusuf Omar is sorry, but he cannot get over how awesome your wallpaper is.

Dr. Marton

Dr. Marton has prepared a brief song and dance routine just for you.

Adrian Bejan

Adrian Bejan is very satisfied with his new X-Ray spectacles.

Merry Christmas

Alejandro Mamani is protective of his Christmas hat.

D.B. Borokhov

D.B. Borokhov is going to get that fly if it's the last thing he does.

Emily Post

Emily Post is gonna teach all y'all bitches some muthafuckin' manners.

小澤三郎

Ozawa Saburō was under the impression that you enjoyed his harmonica playing.

皇室

The Imperial House of Japan must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Charles Evans Hughes

Charles Evans Hughes has unfastened his sport coat in anticipation of the festivities.

Jean Jadot

Jean Jadot is regarding his courtesans.

I. D. du Plessis

I.D. du Plessis is wondering why the hell he showed up to this stupid event.

Dr. Ludwig Ritter von Köchel

Dr. Ludwig Ritter von Köchel does not understand why you insist on referring to him as "Bozo."

Henrik Ibsen

Henrik Ibsen is wondering who let you in here.

Monsignor Hugh O'Flaherty

Monsignor Hugh O'Flaherty has strategically placed a whoopee cushion somewhere in the immediate vicinity.

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Harold W. Ross

Harold W. Ross cannot wait for recess.

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Max I. Dimont

Max I. Dimont is wondering just how you plan on supporting his daughter.

Daniel Stern

Daniel Stern is reminiscing about his days as a champion knuckle rapper.

William F. Buckley, Jr.

William F. Buckley, Jr. was not aware that the pink elephants could play cricket.

Sam Cohen

Sam Cohen will not let the Russkies take his precious Gigi.

George Steiner

George Steiner has been told to be wary of wolves on the path to Grandmother's house.

Dale Titler

Dale Titler is fully prepared to buy some ladies drinks tonight.

Louis Nizer

Louis Nizer is wondering which one of you yo-yos made that crack about his hair.

Samuel Beckett

Samuel Beckett has recently noticed that he has an insatiable appetite for braaaaaaaiiiins.

Robert Jungk

Robert Jungk isn't quite sure if it's bigger than a breadbox.

Samuel W. Mitcham, Jr.

Samuel W. Mitcham, Jr. is a very special boy.

Carl Schurz

Carl Schurz can stand the awful beating of that hideous heart no longer.

Sir Alexander Todd

Sir Alexander Todd fears that someone at this table is not taking Hungry Hungry Hippos seriously enough.

Lord Kelvin

Lord Kelvin's heart has reached absolute zero.

Robert Browning

Robert Browning would like another frosted cupcake.

Isaac Jacobson

Isaac Jacobson can never get these damn Magic Eye things to work

H. Leivick

H. Leivick is complacent with but not particularly enthused about your foibles.

Field-Marshal Earl Alexander of Tunis

Field-Marshal Earl Alexander of Tunis thinks that you are the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

Joshua Henkin

Joshua Henkin is not a fan of the ol' "bucket of water above the door" gag.

I.A. Richards

I.A. Richards thinks he just heard the can opener.

Dr. Franklin H. Martin

Dr. Franklin H. Martin now comes with Action Kung-Fu Grip™.

Simon Dubnow

Simon Dubnow is disappointed with Mr. Valders' decision to hassle him.

Zeeshan Valders

Zeeshan Valders is lookin' for a fella to hassle.

Jacob Meir

Jacob Meir just came out for the Sports section.

Nathan Bistritzky

Nathan Bistritzky just realized that he left the gas on.

Ivan Nikitin

Ivan Nikitin would like you to fill that bag with non-consecutive unmarked rubles.

Salvador Lopez Herrera

Salvador Lopez Herrera would certainly disapprove if only he could bother to care.

Nathan A. Scott Jr.

Nathan A. Scott Jr. is not the least bit amused by saying 'cheese.'

Rick Raphael

Rick Raphael is looking forward to tying a damsel to the railroad tracks this afternoon.

Andrew D. White

Andrew D. White is not interested in hearing your life story.

Y.L. Peretz

Y.L. Peretz is demanding your gun and your badge

Alejandro Mamani

Alejandro Mamani is protective of his attractive hat.